Our Family Camping Trip

I'm so excited to take you and the kids camping next week! What a perfect way to start the summer. I got our sleeping bags out of the closet, I finished packing the hiking gear, and I already hired a hobo to hide in the woods and wait for us.

Wait, did I not tell you about the hobo?

See, at night we'll gather around the campfire to tell scary stories. Mine will be the terrifying tale of an insane vagrant with an axe for a hand who wanders the forest and murders campers. At the climax of the story, that hobo I hired will let out a blood-curdling scream as he leaps down from a tree and scares the hell out of everyone. Then we’ll all eat delicious s’mores.

Of course I gave the hobo an axe, honey. Otherwise, how would the kids get that he's supposed to be the hobo from the story, and not just any hobo?

Unfortunately, this guy isn't the best actor. But out of all the ones I auditioned, he seemed the most authentic. Don’t worry, I told him to rehearse with a few other families before we get there. I really want him to give a great performance on the big night.

The best part is, I don't even have to buy costumes or anything: he already looks the part. Plus, any method actor can stay in character all the time. He’s so professional that he stays in multiple characters all the time. And they all constantly act out complicated dialogue scenes with each other. Using different voices and everything.

I should probably ask him take a shower though. He kind of reeks—I don't want anyone to smell him coming and ruin the surprise.

Obviously we will all laugh after it's over. But during campfire time, I want a real sense of danger so everyone can imagine that they're the campers in the story. Do you think we’ll get reception out there? Maybe I should steal everyone’s cell phones just in case. I wonder if the fake bloody handprints would be creepier if they’re on the side of the tent or on the side of the bag with the granola bars. And should I slash our car’s tires before or after we go on the nature trail?

These are the kinds of questions I want to answer in advance. I’m not trained in improv.

Still, if all goes according to plan, this will be the best vacation our family has ever taken. And after the excitement-filled night ahead, Tuesday’s sailing trip will be a nice change of pace. It will be relaxing for all of us. I can teach the kids how to fish. You can read your book. Nobody will expect anything scary to happen.

That's why I also gave the hobo a jet ski.