Man's Best Friend

They say that a dog is a man's best friend, but they're wrong: I'm a man, and my best friend is Steve.

Steve is a better friend than a dog could ever be. If I want to hang out, I can call Steve any time, day or night, and he'll be right over, as long as it's not night. I've never even seen a dog pick up a phone, unless it was a phone specially designed for dogs, with a keypad that could be operated with paws instead of fingers. But that special dog-phone? I bet Steve could still use it, maybe even better than a dog could.

You tell your dog to "speak," and he just barks. Yet when Steve speaks, he makes all kinds of noises. Your dog doesn't even speak English; Steve not only knows English, he also remembers a little Spanish from high school. Did your dog go to high school? If he did, I'm very impressed, but I'm also kind of intimidated, so I don't think he and I could ever be friends.

Your dog can catch a frisbee in his teeth? What kind of friend would do that? Now your frisbee is all gross. Steve can catch frisbees both in and out of his teeth. Let's see a dog do that.

And don't tell me about those "Air Bud" movies, because they use special effects. Give Steve a green-screen and he can be a champion athlete too. Air Bud probably even has a stunt-dog to do all the more dangerous tricks. Do you think Steve is afraid to do his own stunts? No way. The only thing that he's afraid of are magicians, due to a bad experience he had as a child.

True, you make a few valid points: Dogs are nice and furry. Steve is hairy too, but in more of a "needs to take a shower" way than a "cuddly" way. Dogs are content with sleeping in the backyard, while Steve still complains about the time that I abandoned him in the woods. And Steve is only loyal to me when he's in a good mood and not currently being loyal to our other friend, Tom.

You say that your dog is your best friend because when you get home from work, there he is by the door, waiting for you. Well, when I get home from work, there's Steve by my television, waiting for me to bring him some pretzels. I guess dogs win that round too.

But dogs aren't allowed in most restaurants, while Steve is only banned from that fancy Italian place across the street.

Plus, do you know any dogs who can name all 50 states, or play the violin, or help you move furniture around? No? Steve can do one out of three, which is better than nothing.

You see, a dog is not your friend. Friendship is supposed to be a two-way deal, but dogs benefit without doing any work: they get free food, a free place to sleep, and sometimes a free dog-phone with special keypad. They do nothing to deserve this. So I wonder who said that a dog is a man's best friend?

Gee, I don't know... maybe it was a dog?!

(Or maybe it was Steve. That guy really knows how to get me riled up.)